A Belter for Beltane
Live 8 organizers are said to be disappointed with the results of last year's all star concert and are planning another event for next spring. Apparently after the last show there were several areas of the world left in poverty and wars appear to have continued much as before. “But it’s alright!” Beamed Midge Ure at a press conference earlier this week. “We’ve worked out where we went wrong. We very nearly had the formula right last time…”
Co-organizer Bob Geldof, who is reported to have ordered the construction of a giant wicker figure in Hyde Park, refused to be drawn on details. “I can’t say much at the moment, it’s all very hush-hush, but we do have a spectacular finale in mind involving Joss Stone.” “She’s young and fertile and should appease the gods,” added Ure.
Great Expectorations
R'n'B diva Misty-Fit has revealed her number one turn on - men who spit. "Goddam, nothing gets me hornier than seeing a young man standing at a bus stop flobbing his spittle all over the ground," the 22 year old singer told Squeem Magazine. "That's how you tell a guy's a real man - he spits well and spits often! Ooh, I get a little shiver just thinking about young dudes hocking up big mouthfuls of phlegm and splattering the pavement. And boys these days seem to have a new way of spitting where it comes out of their mouths in one long jet. I don't know how they do it but it looks well cool!"
Kate Clones Escape Again
Kate Bush has been at it again! Some of you may remember the debacle in the '80s when several clones escaped from her underground laboratory and formed the Bangles. Indeed, who can forget the sight of a tearstained Bush in full camouflage gear, armed with a large net, trying frantically to recapture the errant clones as they performed Manic Monday live on Top of the Pops?
After they were all eventually returned to captivity (sadly two of them were damaged and had to be destroyed) she swore a solemn oath never to tamper with the forces of nature again. Unfortunately, however, it appears that the lure of the lab has been too much for the sultry songstress. A close friend (Igor Stanislav, 107) said, “Miss Bush is unavailable to comment, but if you‘d care to speak to a substitute…?”
Perky of 'Pinky & Perky' Dies Aged 68
Pinky the Pig spoke yesterday of the heartbreak he felt on learning that his musical partner of over forty years had died after a long battle with swine flu.
Pinky and Perky dominated the media in the 1960s with their helium-voiced cover versions of hit records and were thought at the time to be a porcine answer to the Beatles. Perky the Pig was born in Czechoslovakia in 1938 and emigrated to Britain with his younger brother Pinky after the war. Both spoke no English but a knack for jokey speeded-up versions of popular songs soon endeared them to a massive following and gave them a series of number one hits. "Perky was one of the old school," said Pinky, his piping falsetto trembling with emotion. "We shall not see his like again." Perky leaves a sow and three strings of sausages.
There But For The Grace of Goth…
David Muji, singer of goth band The Lighthouse Twins has challenged Lars Splenson of thrash rockers Skull Avalanche to a duel to the death. In a press conference held in an ivy-covered turret in his Berkshire castle, Muji, who was resplendent in his trademark frock coat and ruffled shirt, recalled the moment when Splenson slighted his honour. "I had just bought a shot of absinthe from the bar at the BPI Awards to reinvigorate my creativity when this great galumphing oaf barged into me and spilt the emerald liquid onto my purple pantaloons. I wasted no time in slapping the dullard's face with my glove and issuing the challenge. No gentlemen could in all conscience do any less. At any rate, the matter shall be settled by pistol at dawn tomorrow." He then made several waspish remarks about Splenson's apparent lack of intelligence and poor dress sense.
Splenson himself seemed unconcerned when quizzed about the challenge, laughing uproariously and claiming he would "waste the little faggot" without a second's thought, although friends said he had recently booked himself onto a target shooting course and tried to buy a bulletproof vest on the Internet.
Shania's Sheddings?
Shania Twain has denounced e-Bay fraudsters for selling what they purport to be her old skins. The singer (45), who usually sheds her skin twice a year (once in the spring and once in the autumn, or “fall” as it’s termed in the US), felt she must take a stand. “These no-good sons of bums are making money outta my fans with a lie. My skins are all hygienically disposed of, there’s no way these clowns coulda gotten hold of them.” As a gesture of goodwill the country star (57) has offered to send fans who feel they have been ripped off one of her fingers in a velvet-lined presentation box. “Hey, it’s not like they won’t grow back, right?”
One Way Ticket to Pluto
Scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena have finally decided which Dead Kennedys album should be included on the Excelsior IV deep space probe in the event of it being discovered by an alien intelligence.
"After a lot of heated argument we settled on Plastic Surgery Disasters", said chief researcher Professor Clarence Bowbank. "Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables had a lot of fans in the office, and I personally love Frankenchrist - the production is just awesome and its standout track MTV Get Off The Air is in my top ten songs of all time - but in the end we felt Disasters presented the best overview of the DK's sound and ethos and it was the one we'd feel happiest about representing the work of this amazing band to an alien culture."
Subliminal Messings Dutch prog-rockers Nebuchadnezzar have been up in court again because of subliminal messages in their music. This time with a difference. “That old ‘worship satan’ crapola was so boring, man,” drawled lead mellotron player Stac Herviig, taking to the witness stand yesterday. “We had a few tokes in the studio and thought ‘well, why not try something new?’”
The court case was brought when listeners found themselves (variously) barking like a dog every time they saw a poster of rival band “Hieronymous Tusk“, persistently ignoring the existence of Ribena and hanging out in bus shelters dressed as Jilly Cooper.