Away in a Mange-aaagh
Everyone's favourite dermatologically-challenged songsters The Skinned Choir will be out and about this festive season serenading shoppers on London's busy Oxford Street with their own unique brand of tortured shrieking. The choir, which consists of 14 close friends who have had the skin of their entire bodies flayed off to make them more sensitive artists, will be howling agonised versions of well-loved Christmas carols during peak shopping times between now and Dec 24th. If you like them - why not bring along some mulled wine for them to chase away those winter blues? (all the more keenly felt without their skin to protect them) If you don't like them - why not bring along a handful of salt to throw?
Slim's Shady Goings On
A new scandal erupted last Wednesday when it was revealed that Fatboy Slim actually had nothing to do with the recording of his new album. The controversy started when recording engineer Paul Hammer let slip what really happened during a drunken visit to an online chat room:
“Fatboy was having a bit of trouble with inspiration. He’d spent all evening sitting in the studio, trying to think of ideas, but nothing was coming. Finally he went to bed, leaving several raw samples out on the mixing desk, because he was too disheartened to put them away properly.
“The next morning, imagine his surprise when he came down to find the samples all neatly stitched into a completely banging track. He immediately knew something weird was going on, because some of the editing was far more delicate than a human could do.
“The same thing happened on several occasions over the next few weeks until finally he decided to hide behind a monitor to see what was happening. At about 4 am there was a squeaking noise and literally hundreds of tiny Elvises came out from a hole in a the skirting board and set to work with miniature, rhinestone studded scissors on the rough mix he’d left out.
“When the album was finished, instead of leaving out samples as usual, he made a trip to Burger King and placed three large Whoppers with all the trimmings on the console, then hid behind the monitor once more. Apparently when they saw them their little faces lit up and they capered around like mad things, doing a strange pelvic dance.
“Sadly, in the morning, the floor of the studio bathroom was littered with tiny bloated corpses.”
Kid A-Hole
Child vocal sensation Jamie Hartlington has turned his back on the music industry - after just one gig. Jamie, 7, of North Wales, shot to fame by singing "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window?" at the end-of-term show at his primary school, drawing rapturous applause and cries of "awww!" from the assembled parents, teachers and pupils. He then vowed never to sing publicly again. "I just got tired of all the shit this industry throws at you," he told us yesterday. "The hangers-on, the money-men, signing fucking autographs the whole time. It's all fucking phoney bullshit, man. I need something real in my life right now." Jamie later revealed how his preferred pastimes were pottering in the garden and restoring old cars.
No, No, No, Geno!
Kevin Rowland has become the first pop star to be served with a grade 3 preservation order . According to the document, published this Friday, the former lead singer with Dexy’s Midnight Runners will now have to apply in writing to the appropriate bureau before undertaking any major facial alterations. “These can include growing a beard, moustache styling and certain types of dental work”, a helpful member of English Heritage told the Windypops team. “Double glazed spectacles are a definite no-no.”
To Put it Bluntly… Musicians of all ages, nationalities and styles are competing avidly with one another for the chance to be on the bill at November’s gala evening in DIS-honour of James Blunt. Yes, you heard right. Apparently the entire planet has become so disillusioned with him that events promoters Groffet Productions have gone to the trouble of arranging a sit down meal, a concert and three hours of speeches, “simply so that people can come together and share their dislike of this extremely annoying person“.
Highlights include Leanne Rimes talking on “Why I think James Blunt is Especially Shit” and Bryan Ferry with “The Detrimental Effect James Blunt Has Had on My Life”. During the evening cover versions of his songs will be performed in silly voices with raspberry noises and the grand finale will be a rendition of “You’re Beautiful” during which the entire audience will rise to their feet and sing “LALALALA” at the tops of their voices, with their fingers in their ears. “Hopefully we can make him cry “ said Cat Stevens yesterday.
Noggin on Heaven's Door
Bulsome Studfold, headless lead singer of hard rock hellraisers Skinticket, has finally passed away some five years after the accident that severed his head. Despite the horrific injury caused by a runaway combine harvester, Studfold's performance remained unaffected throughout the remainder of his career and his wordless, bawling vocals earned him plaudits and a legion of devoted fans. He was kept alive in his headless state by his manager dripping soup and whiskey down his neck with a pipette. Studfold is thought to have amassed a vast personal fortune from the money he saved by not going to the barbers.
No Second Coming?
Jesus Christ, onetime lead singer with cult band Jesus and the Christones has denied rumours that he and his erstwhile bandmates are getting back together. "Our manager Martin Luther said something about a reformation," said Christ yesterday from his Edinburgh home, "but I can't really see it happening. Simon, Andrew, Philip and the others have all got flourishing solo careers now and I doubt if they'd be up for it. Besides, with Judas dead, it wouldn't really have the same vibe."
Big Sister Barge
A new reality TV show a la “Big Brother” is due to hit the screens this autumn. Remember the “Top of the Pops” series of records that were such a big hit in the ‘70s? Well “Top of the Pops Cover Girl Houseboat” brings together twelve of the girls who graced the album sleeves in a disused coal barge on the Manchester Ship Canal. Tammi (the tank-top wearing stunner from no. 57) is jubilant: “It’ll be nice to be back in the limelight again - I just hope I don‘t get sea-sick”. Meanwhile, Hazel (no. 32) is said to be dusting off her roller-skates in excited anticipation.