CF UK NO-NO
The British Medical Association has called for the current single from ambient groovers Axolotl Sunrise to be banned. Doctors claim the track "Die of Cystic Fibrosis" encourages people to act out its title. "Calling it 'a bloody disgrace' would be putting it mildly," said Senior Consultant Dr Charles Goodfellow yesterday. "Since this CD was released several people in this country have already succumbed to this terrible and debilitating disease. How many more must die before we see sense?" When it was pointed out to Dr Goodfellow that the mortality rate from cystic fibrosis has remained unchanged since the single's release - and that those who died would have done so anyway whether the song had been released or not - he made a snorting sound and said to our reporter in a waspish voice, "I didn't think you'd understand."
Labour of Hercules
Singer/Songwriter and environmental activist Serena Hercules is in the headlines once more. Sometime next month she will give birth to her latest album - literally. Serena explains: “Song writing for me always has been an organic process, closely linked with my menstrual cycle. One day I thought ‘Why not make the recording process more physical? Break away from computers and electronics and go right back to basics?’” And so, eight months ago, in a top secret process involving a bassoon, Serena was impregnated with the foetus of her forthcoming oeuvre.
“It was an odd sensation at first,” she admits, “but once my belly began to swell and I felt the first tap of a snare-drum inside me, I was filled with a wonderful sense of the power of nature and womanhood. Something these male, fat-cat record company executives could never understand.”
If all goes well with the birth Serena intends to put the instructions up on the internet, so that other musicians can follow her lead. But head of Musical Eugenics at Dublin University, Simon Plume, thinks the consequences could be catastrophic: “Some type of musical birth control needs to be developed before this idea gains mass circulation. You can’t have hundreds of careless artists bringing out reams of sub-standard albums willy-nilly. Who would be able to listen to them all? The charts would become inundated.”
Breath Thief Sentenced
Studio engineer Lance Tomvit has been sentenced to eighteen months in prison for stealing the breath of several well known pop stars, including Sting, Elton John and Whitney Houston. Tomvit, 24, of Santa Cruz, California used a tiny vacuum cleaner attached to a microphone to hoover up the exhalations of every singer who used the vocal booth at his beachfront studio. The purloined breaths were then transferred to individual balloons and stored in his attic. "It was creepy stuff, all right," said arresting officer Kelly P. Yankowski, who discovered the cache of stolen breaths. "Some little punk getting his rocks off over Madonna's used air? Ugly, ugly business. Ain't there some Stephen King film about a little demon that steals people's breath? The kid reminds me of that. Little freak."
Mojo lost
Down and Dirty Blues Legend Robert "Firewall" Hitchens has a most unusual problem. It seems he has mislaid his "Mojo". "Damn thing‘s always goin‘ awol," he explained to our American correspondent yesterday. "I’m sure I had it Saturday - I thought I left it over by the washing machine, but there’s no sign of it. White Hot Lightnin' Flash Marjorie - that’s my wife - says she thinks she saw it heading off towards the crossroads at about 11 O' clock, so if any of your readers come across it I’d be mighty grateful if they’d give me a call." He went on to warn people not to approach it directly, as it might be frightened and lash out - "and that damn Mojo sure is full of Hellfire, man. Sure is. I wouldn’t want anyone to get burned". At which point he rolled his eyes and let out a deep, sinister chuckle.
Amy Winehouse 'May be answer to the world's energy needs'
Neil Stickle, Energy Spokesman for the Green Party has claimed that consumers will be able drastically to reduce their energy bills by harnessing the power of Amy Winehouse. "By hooking up domestic power supplies to the feisty songstress I envisage savings for all of up to £300 worth of electricity every year," he told our reporter. "Her constant gyrations and sultry charisma generate power equivalent to over twenty Sophie Ellis-Bextors. It's time for Britain to take the plunge and go Winehouse. Of course, I wouldn't want one in my backyard," he added.
The Dinger, not the Dong
Big Ben is to tour the country. The famous bell will visit schools and leisure centres around Britain and ring out the time to people who may only ever have heard its sonorous clangs on radio or television. The 14.5 tonne behemoth will be removed from the Clock Tower of the Palace of Westminster (often itself erroneously referred to as Big Ben) next Monday and head north on the A12 towards Colchester, where it will arrive at Saint Cecilia's Primary School at around lunchtime. In addition to hearing its famous chimes, children will be allowed to slide down the outside of the bell on mats.